So, keeping it real today.
I've gone back and forth posting about my postpartum weight, and every time I chicken out. You see ... Daxton is almost 10 months old...and I still have the baby weight. I set myself goals ... you know "by this event, by this family gathering, by this photoshoot, etc ... I'll be xxx weight." ... and life gets crazy and time flies by, and I wake up and it's the day of "xyz event" and I still weigh the same. And every time, I think the same thing; "Damn it, Kayla! Damn it!"
Well, lets be real here ... today was no different. I woke up, didn't like how my clothes fit ... especially because laundry is behind, and I ended up wearing a tighter shirt than I normally would. Per usual, I was focused on getting Kayden up, dressed, fed, hair done, shoes on, backpack ready, including show-and-tell item, and out the door on time. So, that's what I did. And left the house in my "that'll do" outfit.
Today was a "weird" kind of day - someone was able to hang with Daxton for a bit as I dropped Kayden and ran some quick errands. So Kayden and I jammed out in the car (our morning must-do), I dropped her off, big hugs and kisses, and was happily on my way to Michaels. Ironically, as I drove, I thought about a big change I'd love to make, and came to the conclusion, "Why not?! I'm going to do it! I don't care what people think!" (Big change hopefully coming end of May! Stay tuned!) Soo.... I arrive at Michael's ... happy, confident, and excited for the day.
Picture this: I walk in ... there's a table of doughnuts. A TABLE OF DOUGHNUTS, PEOPLE! I stopped dead in my tracks. I thought I was dreaming. I was seriously .. in (empty) Michael's (ummm..fav), kidless, getting a surprise free doughnut!!! The store manager chuckled and said, "Yep, they're for you! Help yourself!" I laughed, as I realized I was standing there in shock. Just standing there. I thanked him, grabbed a gorgeous glazey doughnut, and went on my way.
Not 2 minutes later, I was standing in an isle, eating my doughnut and about to post a happy Instagram...ya know, to tell you all how happy I was. Up walks an random woman ... and our conversation went a little like this:
Lady: "Ummm, I'm probably going to get in trouble for asking this, but I'll never see you again anyway. Are you pregnant?
Me: "No, I'm not."
Lady: looks at me like I'm kidding her....super confused. "Well...you look like you're ..."
Me: "No, I'm not pregnant ma'am."
Lady: "Ohh... I was going to tell you that you look pretty if you were pregnant..."
Me: "Oh, thanks. Well, I'm not." walking away.
Lady: "But you look....pregnant."
by this time the tears are rolling..
Me: "Ma'am, I'm seriously not pregnant. And actually I'm struggling with my POST-baby weight, SO...."
Lady: "Oh, well THERE, you just HAD a baby! I thought you were pregnant!"
Me: "Yes, I know. And I'm not. And that's super rude, and I suggest you never ask someone when you're not sure...ever...again!"
Lady: "Well you looked pregnant and I just didn't know."
Me: "OK! Please stop talking to me. You have completely just ruined my day!"
Aaaand she proceeded to follow me around, still telling me that she was confused because I seriously looked pregnant, until a manager came and directed her away. Women were flocking, and staring, and I could feel the sweat dripping down my forehead...and the tears dripping off my chin. I dodged everyone, found a corner in Michael's, and I bawled. (And posted my sad, venting Instagram.) I sat there staring at a corner, for who knows how long, pretending to look at some isle of blurry craft items, wishing there was a button I could push to jet-pack me out of there and into my bed. But there wasn't ... I finally I pulled myself together, and I bought my stuff. I got out to the car, and I read messages my friends and family had sent me. And I bawled again. Suddenly, I had gone from devastated, to so incredibly thankful and proud of myself, in a matter of minutes. So many messages that I received talked about how loving, and dedicated, and hard-working, and passionate, and strong, and brave I am. And beautiful, on the inside and out. They were right! Damn it, I am! And that would be silly to let some random stranger (who clearly doesn't know a cardinal rule of life, or ME for that matter), get me down.
So now, now I feel the need to apologize. I am so sorry random stranger lady, I lied to you. I did. I told you that you ruined my day, and it was a big 'ol lie. You didn't ruin my day at all. You made me slow down and look down. When I looked down I saw:
- Workout clothes. Hey, I haven't actually gotten around to my actual "workout" for the day, but I'm going to try! Sometimes that means 45 seconds of jumping jacks to make Daxton laugh. Sometimes it means Kayders-piggy-back-sprints around the house. Sometimes that means getting the 50lb dog food from the grocery store shelf to the cart, from the cart to the car, and from the car to the house. (Hey, that ish is hard!!) AND, guess what else I do in workout clothes? I chase, and squat, and run, and tickle, and cuddle, and cook, and carry, and LOVE my kids.
- A strong body, that has built TWO babies. Thats freaking cool. Two healthy, happy, gorgeous babies. My body *made* them! I mean.... enough said.
- A body, that has a lot inside. A body that has a loving, dedicated, hard-working, passionate, strong, brave soul inside.
- A body that has been though so many things, good and bad. A body that has done a lot, and a body that will do a lot more. A body that carries me, and my children around, day in and day out. A body that I am thankful for!
AND, I remembered that:
- Damn, I have awesome peeps! (You know who you are, and thank you, endlessly! Thank you for all your kindness, love, and support!!!)
- Damn, I have an awesome bod! (In a differently awesome way.) ;)
- Damn, I'm awesome!!! (pat mah self on the back) =D
SO, again, I'm sorry random stranger lady. And thanks. In the weirdest of weirdy ways, you've brought out a lot of pretty cool stuff today. And I'm feeling pretty freakin awesome, regardless of what size my waist is today. Boom.
And, to all my mamas in the place who have a post-baby waist, you are not alone! But you ARE awesome! So remember that!!
AND, because it is oh-so fitting for me (and maybe you) today .... our sweet and lovely ... Taylor!
And, PS, a big thanks to mah gal pal, Britt, from Falling Star Photography for my headshot that's attached! =)